Project Me

Now I know it isn't the time for New Year's resolutions - and to be honest, even if it were I wouldn't be making them as I've never felt in any way qualified to make promises that I could keep, promises concerning my own life that is. Even without the resolutions, it's not even an end or a beginning of anything in particular - except for Nightwish' Imaginaerum World Tour. And consequently that is exactly the topic whence the following stream of thoughts derives.

The other day, I started thinking about the last time this more-than-just-a-favourite-band of mine had a break in touring, and all of the things that happened in my life during those two years of their concert absence. I was able to gather together the following list:

I...

...quit synchro skating that I'd been doing physically and mentally 24/7 for ten years.
...figured out I was gay.
...travelled abroad without my family (or my synchro team) for the first time.
...fell in love.
...was in a relationship.
...graduated.
...started drinking coffee (this is big I tell you).
...got my heart broken.
...started studying in UK.

And there might've been other mentionable things as well but maybe we all get the picture even as it is: my life pretty much turned upside-down - and multiple times too.

So, now I'm curious as to what the following two years are going to bring.
I don't know at all what to expect or hope, but there is one thing that I really wish for, and that is considerably less relationship drama - especially regarding the fact that most of it has taken place within my own head.
I said that I don't do New Year's resolutions, however I do have something that I want to concentrate on for the time being - or for the 2-year Nw radio silence if we are staying on topic - and that is none other than myself. For years and years, I have been concerned about other people: what they think about me, how they are doing and what I should do to please them, to help them. So much so, I dare say, that I've completely forgotten about how I am doing and what I want from my life. It's not even that there had been many people putting pressure on me, but my own perception of those people has lead me to always act in a way that I assume I am expected to act. Not sure if making sense.
In Finnish we know this as 'the good girl's syndrome' - always prioritising the expectations and wishes of others over your own ones.

In other words, I'm trying to become more selfish in some ways.
Generally, I think that if you find yourself in a situation where something or someone in your life persistently makes you feel awful you shouldn't feel any obligation toward keeping things that way. Easier said than done alike so many things in life.

'Easier' is also a quality that I would gladly welcome in my life now. I have an infallible ability to make everything from picking an outfit to making a phone call or writing a job application a really challenging task for myself. Negative feelings and reactions have been so constant in my life that I've grown to take them as normal. Surely everybody is miserable as well - so why make a fuss about myself? I'm as used to physical as emotional pain, and have a habit of shrugging both of them off as much as I possibly can. Unfortunately, it is much simpler to ignore the problems inside one's head than, for example, a dislocated knee. We take care of the knee but forget that what is going on inside our minds is also significant for our health.

Another reason for these wonderings is that I have gotten worried enough about my health, and after months of struggling with making the decision, finally went to a psychiatrist to seek help and clarification to my situation. After only one meeting I cannot say much about anything, but somehow being acknowledged by somebody in that position has eased my anxiety over my ...anxieties. I guess, I can somehow look at my feelings and thoughts with more clarity now that my main focus isn't being frustrated by said things. It is confusing, and I won't be getting deeper into it just now.

It's just strange how one can feel really hopeless and yet the tiniest bit of hopeful at the same time. Contradictory - everything seems contradictory in me.

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And by all means, if you are a real life friend of mine, secretly reading this, and would like to know more specifically how I am, feel free to use any contacting device to get in touch. I don't mind talking about it, I just don't feel like going round the neighborhood announcing everything to everyone because generally I tend to think that people are not interested if they don't look like they're interested.