Now that I've once again poured most of the fangirl feelings, induced by Nightwish, out of my system through posting that rather incoherent account on the previous weekend's happenings, it is time for some even more incoherent self-reflection.
And if that beast of a beginning statement wasn't enough to convince you to close this tab as fast as you can - - - well, frankly, to stay is entirely your own decision, and I'm not making any promises on the quality of the babble that is about to follow.
As I'm not aware of having any main point or plot today, I'm just going to shoot it.
Being a sensitive and temperamental individual I am pretty used to turbulent mood swings and very powerful emotional responses. The smallest of things may shake the ground under my feet, but I also recover quite fast from the initial shock. Something that I'm not used to, however, is a prolonged apathy. I don't remember how long there has been some sort of a melancholic undercurrent flowing within me, and because there have always been other things capable of arousing strong feelings - positive and negative, I have mostly just elected to ignore the whole sensation. However, nowadays it occasionally feels as if something is slowly masking all kinds of small things that I'm supposed to enjoy and get excited about so that I can't see them properly any more.
Actually the ongoing summer serves as a rather fitting, concrete example of my conflicted mood at the moment: It has been almost two full months that I've spent on a holiday in Finland now, and the only things I can recall doing with utmost clarity are all the events related to Nightwish (yup, here we go again). I really have to wreck my brain in order to resurrect any other memories from the June-July period, and even when I succeed, everything outside the realm of Nightwishdom seems lightyears away and heavily blurred.
Luckily though, said Nightwishdom includes not only the four mind-blowing live performances that I've witnessed this summer, but also all the people that I've spent time with on those occasions, all the plans made and put into practice before and after shows, travellings between venues, all other musical experiences that I've gained as an extra treat (or plain annoyance) while waiting for the grand finales, basically every single moment with my best friend (because let's be honest, when was the last time we spoke of something other than the band in question) and just anything even remotely related to this favourite band of mine. So, there are plenty of great things there, and what's most important about it all, is that regardless of the apathetic undertone that sometimes frightens me when I start thinking about it, Nightwish is a thing that always makes me feel. And even though the lack of coolness that I excel at displaying when at a talking distance from my idols occasionally frustrates me, I still find being giddy and slightly hysterical preferable to total indifference.
In fact, the simple existence of the band already makes me so happy that if you were one of the people whom I associate with the band you wouldn't be able to tell that there was anything wrong with me because I'd be really bright and shiny around you all the time as well. I'm even typing considerably faster now that I'm talking about Nightwish than I was in the beginning.
The only problem is that anything that isn't Nightwish doesn't really give me the kicks at all right now. Or I just don't have patience for setting my mind to anything else than certain YouTube videos, or my own daydreams. Which makes attending to preparations of the final year of university a pure agony.
Ok, one other thing that I do enjoy doing, and couldn't live without is exercising but even at the gym I'm mostly just going through the motions and letting my mind wonder into whichever funny Nightwish-moment comes to mind. So there.
In general, it is really a challenge to get me to engage in a conversation that doesn't involve Nightwish in some form or another. Mind you, if it doesn't by default, I will make a random side note about them anyway.
I'm not even too worried about their break in touring because I can always use a few other bands as substitutes (as long as they come to London) - and there really isn't a limit for my daydreaming abilities. What does get me a little bit concerned is how to find meaningfulness and motivation for anything beside the band and their music.
Right now, that I've been writing about the topic I'm feeling better and more energetic in comparison with the mood that I started with, and so I'm once again getting dubious as to whether there actually is something wrong or if I'm just being ridiculous and lazy in terms of studying and other responsibilities. The last year of uni with its final exhibition and dissertation of 10 000 words seems so daunting that I feel pretty much paralysed at this point. I'm also aware that I probably should have started working on something ages ago, but as I had more instantaneously rewarding activities to opt for, I've merely been telling myself that there is still plenty of time for work hence the endless procrastination.
The truth still is that I am not doomed and there indeed is time to get stuff done - just not forever.
The thing is though, that before the holiday I felt genuine gratification over my artistic and academic work. I could have kept on working and working on both areas even as the term ended. Since the holidays began, I've felt nothing but revulsion towards cameras and art theory. Now I have managed to get slightly back into reading but with the practical, creative work I am completely stuck. My head is a blur and I don't seem to have anything to give. I know I ought simply to start doing something, anything - but time only seems to be speeding up past me as I sit staring blankly at nothing. I know what they call it: an artistic block. But tragically, giving it a name doesn't make handling it any easier.
Overall what I'm experiencing currently is quite bizarre; like pushing and pulling and trying to stay still at the same time. I know staying at my parents' is somewhat a de-activating factor in my case hence going back to UK will most likely set me back on full-time study mode. On the other hand, going back means I might slip back into some "bad" habits that I seem to have developed over there, such as emotional over-eating and getting lazy with exercise.
On one hand I continue to be thrilled about everything amazing that this summer has given me; on the other there is the strange, threatening dullness and boredom somewhere inside that I can't seem to wrestle away with pure willpower.
I can't wait to graduate and live my own life, trying to become an independent person; and at the same time I already feel like I will never get through the 3rd year of university in on piece, let alone actually making a living in the real world.
And that's about my cheerful ponderings for today!