Relationships might be messy and complicated and just too much in a number of ways. However there are some unarguable perks available for those sharing their life with a partner - physical closeness being one of them. In this instance, we don't even have to be talking about sex - as great as it can be. It's all of those other, more or less casual displays of affection that have the power to turn a grey day into one with a touch of colour.
Kissing, hugging, holding hands, stroking cheeks, playing with hair, spooning, just randomly touching without no apparent reason.
I used to hate sleeping even in a same room with another person let alone sharing a bed with anyone because all of the little human noises they would make whilst asleep bothered me to an extreme. Then life taught me to feel differently - and now, from time to time, I sleep with a hot water bottle hugged tightly against my chest spreading warmth throughout my body resembling the effect of having an actual human being there instead. Pretty pathetic, to say the least, but I still highly recommend it. There's something about that warmth radiating from outside of one's own body, something calming and comforting. I've never owned a pet of any kind but I've held and stroked and played with those of others', and feeling the texture of an animal's fur, the lines of their bones and muscles, and their pulse - the life beating inside them, is somehow extremely therapeutic. And then there's of course the fact that you can say anything aloud to your pet because even if they understood, they wouldn't give a verbal reply that you'd need to worry about. I personally tend to go somewhat like this: "You know buddy, your life is so easy. Like everybody loves you even though your pretty fat. And your daily tasks revolve around munching a piece of carrot, sipping some water, wandering around your homey cage and sleeping. And you've got your friends as well. You don't even realise how lucky you are. And just, I wish I was guinea pig."
So yeah, I bring you more proof of how lame I am.
You know what's also great about hot water bottles and pets?
As a rule, they don't mind being cuddled with, and you don't have to concern yourself with possible awkward reactions. Obviously, animals have personalities of their own, and some of them are like plushies if you fondle them while others just want to fool around with you.
Hot water bottles don't usually object hugging.
The point being that petting your dog, your friend's hamster or some random sheep in a farm never results in an awkward silence where you are left wondering what the hell just happened and did I somehow offend the other by invading their personal space and oh my god, has somebody got some issues with somebody or do they think I have feelings for them.
No. Because if you hug a dog it's simple and just a hug. Period.
With people though, it is - or can be a different story.
People have their own personal spaces and comfort zones of variable sizes and strengths. People also have their own characteristic thinking patterns and logics and what the fucking ever ways their brains work, and therefore it is completely and entirely impossible to predict a) how they react externally b) what goes on in their minds c) how things will affect other things in the future.
You think I'm overcomplicating this? Well, maybe I am but the undeniable truth is that I am a ridiculously overcomplicated individual and so I rarely act spontaneously in social situations.
I absolutely love receiving random displays of affection but giving them to others is kind of difficult because I tend to overthink everything beforehand, which means that 90 percent of the time I remain in the distance for the sole reason that I cannot be sure if people are okay with being touched. You know the kinds of people who can just go to anyone and give them a hug and a kiss and still be cool. Yeah, I'm not one of them.
So if you are one of the very few whose hands I like to play with or whose shoulder I use as a pillow more often than not, consider yourself friggin' special.
I imagine that to many people - most people I may seem very cold and distant, even tough. That's those who don't know me very well. It is probably true that I compensate my smallness and girlishness by hiding under a hard shell. The point of this whole rant being that I wish I had more physical human contact in my daily life: I want to curl up in someone's lap a stay there for a while and to be hugged tightly and bury my face in someone's hair.
Or maybe I should consider buying more plushies and grain pillows and hot water bottles.