I've been trying to think of a somewhat coherent topic to put into a blogpost but in the lack of one I've just decided to opt for a stream of consciousness.
My fingernails are in a terrible condition, which normally doesn't even bother me but now they just keep chipping and bending into completely useless trash at the end of my fingers and I can't grip anything with them. It's probably because of the continuous dishwashing that I have to engage in at work so I guess I'll just have to live with this until such a time that I get a paid job in my own field - that is, never. Other than that, I quite enjoy working in a cafe. I've even managed to mostly get over the fact as the newbie I often get treated like some kind of an idiot - I either keep telling myself that they don't know anything about me and my inner life, or singing random Nightwish songs to myself. Both seem to be working so far. And at least three days a week I spend with people who treat me as an equal - and who also have an excellent taste in music. So, it could be worse. But I also look forward to being in a situation where I don't have to work seven days a week.
Speaking of things to look forward to, there's finally a visit to London's cat cafe, Lady Dinah's, marked in my calendar! And then obviously the next Nightwish album that has began giving me random chills and giggles thanks to spending the past weekend head-banging in Helsinki with my best friend. Every time I go to proper metal gigs I start fantasising about the future concerts that may or may not be attending. I think that the energising power of live music is a vastly underrated form of therapy, which should absolutely be covered by the national health insurance. A rock concert is still much cheaper than a 60 minutes' session with a psychiatrist. I can't believe it's only about a year since last summer's epic festival adventures - and the total lows of my depression too. So much has changed in these 12 months that it seems surreal like a dream.
I have a job now but I'm still afraid that I'll never find my own place in the world and be able to provide for myself in the way that I want to, and will therefore end up an eternal burden to my family. It's kind of dramatic sounding but it's a genuine fear. Especially in today's world where nothing is really stable. I also recently was able to articulate another source of unease if not fear per se. I'm totally, absolutely 800% content to be single, but I'm afraid that should I ever fall in love again it would go straight from 0 to 100 and I'd become totally codependent and obsessive again, which would ruin everything again, and send me tumbling down tend flights of stairs into whole new depths of melancholy. I fear that I can only be totally indifferent to romantic stuff, or plunge into it headfirst. However, I still want to stress that this is not the only reason that I'm happy to keep away from relationships. I just really don't have any capacity whatsoever for anything like that right now. I'm not scared of being alone for the rest of my life, but concerned that something disastrous might happen again. I mean, it's not a secret that I sometimes struggle with the grey area of life. And I easily become codependent and lose myself completely in other people. One more thing that I'm scared of is - and I know that a lot of creative people fear this as well - that as I recover from my mental issues, I become a less interesting individual and my art loses its power because I don't experience intense emotional strain every day.
I'm already worried for my creativity and that I've lost the artist in me for the everyday exhaustion which doesn't allow me any spare time to just be and think and let inspiration grow into unique visions and ideas.
I'm not actively agitated about these things but I know that they live somewhere at the back of my mind. I know I'm impatient so I'm making a conscious effort to enjoy what I have right now, at this moment and not worry too much about distant future and things that I cannot control. But hey, I need something to panic about, right? And in order to have things to look forward to, I always have to have things that I'm worried about because that's just how I'm wired. I guess.
So that was tonight's word vomit. I should have been in bed about an hour ago if I wanted to be somewhat awake and alive in the morning but sometimes one has to write. And wait for her hair to dry a bit.