First and foremost, I finished and handed in my Bachelor's thesis that I'd been working on since the beginning of this final academic year as an undergraduate. To celebrate that I took off to London for a few days to stay with my friend and watch the Oscars.
Actually, that's pretty much all that's happened. We had an awesome post-dissertation party, I got an interview for a £3000 bursary and this weekend I'm flying to Finland to set up an exhibition over there. And also to see my best friend whom I miss so, so much. I just finished the second season of Gossip Girl, and had previously told myself that after this I'm going to start Breaking Bad. But as it turns out, I'm currently downloading the third season of Gossip Girl, so...
I don't have any deep ponderings to share today, but a point that I do want to make is how important it is to me that I'm able to escape this town basically whenever I want to.
I never notice how badly stressed and anxious staying here makes me until I get away for a while. Earlier today, as I was making my way home from the bus station, I realized that I hadn't been feeling any anxiety since Saturday morning. And then I realized that usually, I am constantly anxious in some level. It is incredibly draining to be so alert all the time, always expecting something unpleasant to happen, always unconsciously preparing for the next disaster - the next emotional breakdown. My three and a half days in London were more relaxing than the entire Christmas holiday, and honestly, I don't remember when was the last time I felt so stable.
I know I've already praised the people who I get to stay with every time I visit London, but let's just elaborate some more. I wouldn't call my life a mess in any way whatsoever; however, mentally I'm not doing so good. No matter how much I try to reason things and ignore them and just wait for time to pass by, I can't do anything about the fact that my living arrangement is about million miles from ideal. Shared living is challenging as it is - let alone when you're trying to avoid someone you live with to the extent that the agitation of being aware of their existence is your underlying emotional state. Even when I'm not aware of being stressed about it, I know I am. Even when I'm trying to tell myself that it doesn't matter, and that it will end soon, it still drives me crazy.
In this situation, being able to flee if only for a couple of days, is such a relief. What makes it even better is that I get to spend my time away, surrounded by lovely, genuine people who - if not literally want me around - are happy to have me around. I'm not the biggest fan of children but honestly, just spending a few days in a family chaos with crying and mess and sloppy kisses, seems to be just the thing I need in order to feel calm, profoundly calm and able to face the following months.
My dominating mood is a combination of anxiety, tiredness and loneliness. This is not to say that I don't have good days too - it's just the underlying current. I believe that in most part, this is due to said living situation since the way I see it, home should be a safe and calming place - not one more thing to be worried about. I do have three flatmates, and the loneliness doesn't really arise from the fact that I don't have enough people around me. I'm completely fine with being alone. It is rather the feeling of being a kind of inevitable evil, a waste of space, someone who doesn't really belong with the others, that makes me lonely. So, when I can't go visit my real family in Finland, I am more than grateful to be able to visit a substitute family within a three hours' train ride. I don't even mind being woken up every morning by screaming babies because I feel like I'm actually welcome and appreciated - and very much loved by the kids, one of whom wanted to have a bath with me while the other gave me so many snotty kisses that I'm expecting to catch a cold any time now.
It is just so important to be shown - in any possible way - that you are not a useless piece of shit.
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