You know when there's something that you just can't get out of your mind - good or bad?
Like, whatever else happens around you, there's this one thing that' really the only thing you want to talk about. You need to talk about. It's like there's no limit to the intensity of whatever that thing makes you feel, and constant sharing is the only way for you to deal with it.
When it's good stuff, you just sometimes feel a bit ridiculous for not being able to stop thinking and talking and writing about something, but it's all fine because your mind is just intoxicated by something sweet and exciting and beautiful. You can't help but spread the amazing joy that your thing makes you feel, and maybe someone finds your obsession annoying but even that doesn't really bother you.
When it's bad stuff - then you wish that pouring it all out, will eventually end it. As if there was some fixed amount of hurt that you can have inside you, and once you've let it out, you can move on and be happy. Talking about things doesn't make them go away. It doesn't make them hurt less.
I guess, for me, talking and writing about things makes them real. Because when they are just kind of vague feelings and thoughts all mushed up together they can be anything, but once you take them apart and give them words, they somehow become more solid. And I might be crazy, but dealing with solid things is easier than dealing with formless mush.
I feel like at the moment, I'm letting out and confronting so many anxieties, fears, doubts, and so much anger and exasperation that I didn't have the courage to face before that some days I just feel like a completely different person. I can't really say that I feel somehow reborn, enlightened or empowered by this situation because more than anything else, everything feels absolutely chaotic. And the only thing that helps me to make sense of it all is that constant sharing - and not even the sharing but just being able to verbalize it. I never listen to anyone's advice - and even if I do, I still have to arrive at their conclusion on my own way - and so what I need is just an outlet to express all of these feelings and thoughts and fears and disappointments.
And then sometimes, I get these moments where a bunch of vague things come together and produce a new coherent thought, and then it feels like maybe one layer of this mess has cleared out because now I can see to this other layer. I don't know.
Mostly those moments of clarity make me cry desperately, from the bottom of my heart - but only for a while. Maybe it's like realizing that this is what it is, and there is absolutely nothing that I can do about it no matter how much I would like to. Accepting that I am sad and I will be sad about this particular thing, and nothing in the whole of our universe can change it now. Perhaps one day it's not going to hurt like this anymore, but right now, in this moment and probably for some time to come, it is going to be painful and it is going to make me cry every now and then, but that's okay.
Because when it hurts the most, and when it makes you so angry that you feel like screaming most of the time - well, then you know that it matters (,that she matters). And it's good when stuff matters. That's what makes life worth living after all.