On my first day back after Christmas holiday I decided I'd finish about two weeks' uni work in two days. Before the holiday I'd been in such a bad mental state that my tutor told me it would be possible to postpone the deadline for a few weeks so I didn't have to worry about it over Christmas. That was such a relief, and mostly I didn't worry. When I came back though, I decided that I didn't want to put off the assessment as that would only interfere with all the other work I still had coming, so on that Friday I decided to take it easy, and then do all that needed to be done by Monday 12 o'clock.
I know a lot of students pull off all-nighters all the time and finish projects in ridiculously short periods of time. For me, however, it is very unusual to leave everything until the very last minute. I mean, I usually leave something to the very last minute, but not all.
Anyway. I did it, finished at 5:30 in Monday morning, and it worked out just fine.
But not without, shall we say, a little bit of doping. (It's not drugs, don't worry)
In the light of recent events, I've kind of adopted a new 'fuck it all' spirit in order to deal with certain aspects of my life. I guess, when someone pulls the rug from under your feet, to get back up you'll need to review the situation from various different angles. And then sometimes things that you didn't think were connected, actually do have something in common. The revelations that I've had about my own life don't have anything to do with the relationship issue - in the lack of a better expression - that I'm attempting to deal with at the moment. I think it has been more like: well since I've been pretty much oblivious and blind and incredibly stupid and naïve about the points from A to Q then perhaps I'll see if I can debunk the points R-Z as well, and thus experience some kind of a reincarnation or something.
And since I'm getting pretty damn obscure here, let's just get to the point.
I used to be strictly tea-total - no alcohol, not ever. There were three reasons for this principle: first, I didn't and still don't like the taste of alcohol; second, I was afraid of getting easily addicted; and third, I didn't like the idea of losing perfect control of my actions under the influence of an intoxicating substance.
What I hadn't thought about as a teenager who formed these premises to back up her principle, is that the last two points are easily avoided; one or two glasses of wine will not get you drunk or addicted - unless you have an incredibly strong genetic predisposition for such.
I had also overlooked any possible benefit that a bit of wine might have for a remarkably anxious individual such as myself: instant relaxation, that is. So there, white wine - my new friend in this cold, dark, merciless world. I remain picky about the taste though.
So, when I decided to embark on the quest of finishing some very important uni work in a very short time frame, I knew I would need to keep myself from panicking about the looming deadline. See, I can do pretty much anything in any time if I manage to completely lose myself in the activity, and not be conscious about the time. For quite a long while I haven't been able to lose myself like that, which has probably something to do with my depression to be honest, and so I figured some alcohol might help in the task as it does have that relaxing effect. Also, the thing with white wine specifically, is that it keeps me awake (unlike red which just makes me sleepy as I've discovered), and I was quite certain that I'd have to sacrifice a lot of sleep to get everything finished on time.
In the end it all came together amazingly well, I got very encouraging feedback from my presentation, and did a lot of sleeping and general lying down afterwards to recover from my intense weekend.
So now I drink wine - not to get drunk, but not to be so anxious. And it works. And I've still never been drunk, or lost control, or become an alcoholic so high fives for that.
I do have my prescribed anxiety drugs for the worst moments, and so far I've only needed one. I do not consider alcohol an alternative for those - and most certainly not an addition (I don't wanna end up in a coma or anything). But I have to admit that personally, there are definitely some benefits in a reasonable amount of alcohol enjoyed at a right time.
Compared to the continuous state of hyper-awareness of my surroundings as well as my inner sensations that I live with on a daily basis, an occasional alcohol-induced escape to a less sensitive state of mind is, oh so very relaxing. That's by the way, about the same effect that gigs, the company of my very best friends, ballets, musicals and dancing have on me as well. So yeah, I do get why people sometimes result in doing drugs instead of trying to find other ways of escaping the reality - it's just so much more effortless to inject something rather than go to places and just let go without being physically intoxicated.
On a somewhat random sidenote, I am really really tired, like I can barely keep my eyes open, but it's just so quiet, and peaceful right now, and I'm feeling good and warm, wrapped up in my fluffy dressing robe. I've been alone in my room for hours with some candles and incense burning, watching a few TV shows, eating, making dissertation notes and just aimlessly scrolling through web-pages. It is so rare for me to feel this serene that I don't want to go to sleep just yet because I know that in the morning it will be all anxiety and stress and nerves and noise again.
I think I'll have to give in soon though, because my eyes literally ache for being forced to stay open - but I want to savour this moment for just a little longer.
I meant to add up just one miserable thought that I had yesterday but let's just this once leave it here, bordering positive.