I don't know how to begin this.
I really don't feel like recapping all of the events that have lead into my current situation because that's what I have to do every single morning as I wake up.
So, perhaps I'm going to talk about it in a more abstract, general level.
And I think, what is about to follow, requires a warning label.
If you, whom this concerns, are reading this, I would strongly advice you not to. I can't make you stop reading, but I don't exactly recommend proceeding. If, however, you decide to continue I can only say that I'm sorry, but at the same time I'm not because this is how I feel and I can't help it.
First of all, what I've learned is that postponing an inevitable disaster will only make things twice as bad in the future. In this case, when you break up, do it properly the first time. It hurts a lot but what hurts even more is breaking up from the same relationship three times in the course of two and a half years. And I say three times because for me the door was still open until a very recent incident, which finally slammed it shut without a warning, and sent me tumbling down a very steep flight of stairs - or something along those lines.
It's interesting how emotional pain has the power to turn your list of priorities upside down, and make you do some funny things like fighting a punching bag until your knuckles bleed and going for a 12K run in complete darkness. A week ago I was getting really stressed about university assignments but now I couldn't care much less. This may have something to do with the fact that I am incredible tired due to sleeping problems and regular crying fits, as well as my irregular eating in the past few days since most of the time I just feel too sick to be bothered about sufficient nourishment.
I can't decide which one is worse: the fact that before this happened I let myself float into a fantasy world where we would be together one day, and feed those dreams with every little display of affection; or that I still have those same feelings, only now once and for all rejected. Actually, it's probably the second one.
And then, there are all sorts of irrational thoughts making my grief even deeper.
Like, I'm not good enough.
I lack something significant.
I did something wrong.
I said something wrong.
I didn't do or say something I should have.
I'm a replaceable waste of space.
There's something wrong with me.
I wish I could be angry rather than sad. Anger is such a strong emotion while sadness just makes me feel weak and fragile. But all I've got is being hurt, tired, bitter, jealous - and incredibly sad.
Other people are obviously eager to help, which I do appreciate, but at the same time throwing around cliches like "you'll get over it" will only make me annoyed.
Of course I will get over it, of course it won't kill me. But I will never get over her; I'll hopefully reach the stage where I'm not as bothered, but I still refuse to believe that you can stop loving someone if you ever truly loved them in the first place. And in my case, the sincerity of this love has been tested and proved many times over.
"maybe you just weren't meant to be"
Well fuck you too, I don't believe that anything happens for a reason - things just happen.
"she doesn't deserve you"
Beep. Wrong. First of all, yes she does. Second of all, I decide who's worth my time, not you. And lastly, shut up and let me cry.
"but she still cares about you, you just weren't the one"
Thanks for twisting the knife. I don't believe in this concept of the one, and even if I did, telling me that I'm not it is not going to help; on the contrary, because obviously I wanted to be the fucking one.
My favourite must be "you'll find someone else".
Just no. See this is the whole point of being brokenhearted: I DON'T WANT ANYONE ELSE. If it didn't matter who it was, if I just wanted a girlfriend, do you think I'd be sitting here crying my eyes out? If it was that easy to move on, I can assure the whole galaxy that I would have done it two years ago. I don't particularly enjoy any of this. Apparently though, it is not easy and simple, thus here I am, staring at candles, planning every hour of every day because I can't stand being alone with my thoughts and feelings, asking my friends to keep texting me random facts to make me laugh, singing Nemo in the kitchen to myself while having an anxiety attack in the morning.
I guess I wanted to drag this on even further but perhaps it is time to finish with some lyrics because otherwise this wouldn't be a perfect, tacky, boohoo-my-ex-has-someone-else post.
Maria Mena: Secrets
"There's a room inside your gut
Close the door and keep it shut
Let no daylight enter in
and the punishment begin
Who are you now to decide
whether or not I can
be exposed to what you hide
Just be a strong and silent man.
But every wrong turn that you make will also be my mistake
Cause we're connected through our hearts
and the devastating part is how I foolishly defended you to myself.
Secrets always have a way of coming out.
I'm beginning now to see
what you must have thought of me.
In a body cast of glass
life-changing information should just pass.
But I don't break that easily
and if you'd dare then you would see
that I've been carrying all the ache
of the burdens on your plate."
I acknowledge that I kind of also failed at being abstract and general but hey, guess how many shits I give about that. Yeah, none.
What are the chances that the two people in this city that I don't want to see, walk ahead of me when I come home from town? Dear karma, what did I do?