I'll try to avoid any unnecessary public angst but I just feel like I need to write down these few things.
I don't want to have these feelings. I really don't.
I wish I could give it away.
If a genie came out of a bottle and gave me three wishes, I would ask him to take away all of this unwanted affection in a heartbeat. I'm not saying I don't want to feel anything because I do want to. Just not this. It's like I've made a really nice cake, that I'm extremely proud of but no one asked me to do it, and so no one thinks it's worth anything. So now I'm here with the cake, and I don't want it either. But there my allegory ends because I can't just throw this cake away no matter how much I wanted to. It's just here, reminding me of my failure. And it doesn't even seem to be rotting. And honestly, I'm quite sick of it now.
If I could erase a part of my memory like in Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind I probably would. At times I think that maybe all the good things still make the pain worth it; but right now I'm not so sure of that. What I once saw as good things are just diminishing in value. Perhaps one day I'll appreciate them again.
I don't know. It all chances from one minute to the next. I can be quite hopeful in one moment, and then see the situation as entirely irreparable in the next.
It's all very morbid these days.
But I do have a lot of chocolate.