Why So Serious?

Sometimes people say something they find funny, or ask a question that, for them, is purely casual without realising that their words have just forcefully punched me in the diaphragm. Mouthing the wrong words in a wrong place at a wrong time is a universal phenomenon practised mostly by the kind of human beans who speak first and think later - if ever. Probably most of us have witnessed an inappropriate joke with possibly sexist/racist/homophobic/religiously mocking undertones being delivered in the presence of a not-so-well-receiving audience. Unless we're speaking of an extremely offensive prank amongst a bunch of religious fanatics, these situations can often be worked out with an apology - and you know, someone with a good sense of humour might even be amused by having ended up as the subject of laughter.
And yeah, let's not fuck with religious fanatics.

Bad, ill-timed, and any jokes, the giggle-factor of which is otherwise questionable provoke different reaction in different people. There are those who can literally find any jest amusing, even the ones made of their dying grandmother. Then there are those who just disapprovingly glare at you. And then there are some who are so offended that they punch you in the face.
And then there's me.

Okay, in the case of a general joke that has no immediate connection to myself I fall somewhere in between categories 'everything is funny' and 'judging you', but if somehow the jape is about something that I treat as a personal issue on a daily basis, the aforementioned shock reaction is what I experience. The joke itself needn't even be rude in any way, and every so often the wrong kind of, seemingly casual enquiry is enough to do the job.

Let me offer you an example from real life:

Person: You should come gay-clubbing with us and we could find you a girlfriend!
Me: No.
Person: But why? It'd be fun!
Me: Because.
Person: Because, huh? Is it cause you don't like British girls?
Me: No, definitely not that. *gives a non-descriptive, mumbled explanation*

Out of all possible ways I could have responded, I decided to go with the honest one, which doesn't really sound bad at all unless you know what it really means.
First of all, the conversation above was based on a single light-heartedly made comment, which wasn't supposed to start a conversation to begin with. However, I felt inclined to react like I would were I to face an actual invitation to go out. And then I also felt inclined to explain myself.
I'm not saying that I don't value honesty and straightforwardness for I sincerely do. If you feel really offended by something someone else finds hilarious, for the love of god, speak your mind. If you're not comfortable giving an answer to some question, tell them so.
The thing is though, that I'm hardly ever explicitly offended by things said in good spirits. It's just that when something hits too close to home, I simply can't overlook it. I can't joke about it. I get upset. And then I act weirdly. And then people ask questions. And I feel awkward, internally screaming to my brain: "For god's sake, could you just once pretend not to be an emotional wreck, and give some witty answer like normal people?!"
It's not only the part where I create these awkward situations by being brutally honest about stuff that's meant to be grinned at, but also how, being looked questioningly upon, I feel I have an obligation to profoundly go through every single detail of my life that has affected the prevailing state of affairs - and frankly lead to me being an ass in that current situation. Like in the occasion of that example I gave you, I felt that I needed to explain to the other person all the reasons as to why a) I wouldn't particularly enjoy going out in general, and b) especially with people on purpose of match-making. Not to mention all the sub-categories related to both points of interest.
Well, I graciously kept myself from giving an in-depth analysis on my mental state to my unsuspecting friend, mumbling something incomprehensible instead, but the whole thing could still have gone better. No wonder many people seem to find me somewhat unapproachable.

Awkward situations like this - and it most likely was awkward only for me - are exactly the reason why I don't like having a lot of 'friendly acquaintances' who are familiar enough to ask me stuff and joke about things, but distant enough to not really know me at all. See, I admit having an obsession to please everyone I like or look up to, which means I'm concerned about what they think of me. So, when I casually turn certain things into serious conversations in an instant - without the slightest intention of actually trusting anyone with anything as well - frankly, it all just makes me very self-conscious, not to mention that I tend to dwell on these inconsequential events afterwards fro ages, analysing their possible outcomes and meanings - acknowledging how utterly pointless such behaviour is.
I don't want to draw people really close, but neither do I want to turn them away.
Uhhh ... I'm such a - I don't know if there's an English equivalent for this but in Finland we say 'a funnel cake brain' when wanting to describe a very complicated and elaborate way of thinking - that is, stereotypically the female logic.
I'm pretty sure my thinking processes are even more tangled that this piece of bakery.
If you just cracked the joke of your life, and instead of laughing I look at you like I just saw someone hit a puppy, don't worry: it's just me and one of my numerous oddities. Just remember that under no circumstances should you let me tell you where it hurts now. Just don't, okay?
If you know me really well though, feel free to laugh at everything I ever do or say, I'm sure I've deserved it.

There's still a possibility, though, that something you say has an unanticipated impact on me.

So, actually you should probably stay away from me.
I can't guarantee that I'm harmless.
Because I most definitely am not.

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