There most likely aren't many souls on the planet who aren't by now familiar with the fact that if nothing else, the writer of this blog brilliantly masters the art of being stressed.
This time I have an entirely new approach on the topic of stress - even to myself. This time, ladies and gentlemen, I am experiencing all the physical and mental symptoms of ever-increasing nervousness without being fully aware of what exactly is causing it. Usually in the state of mental strain I am able to name the thing or things that is/are behind the prevailing mood. I rather think that normally my stress level gradually rises as I move closer to whatever is the trigger. Now, however, I only deducted being under stress as I started noticing more and more changes in both my physical and mental sensations and actions.
Excessive restlessness; problems in concentration, taking up even simple tasks and carrying them out; uncontrollable eating; quickened heart-rate; trembling; unexplainable tiredness; the full scale of varying stomach pains and dysfunctions; mood swings; occasional crying fits; muscle tension in the neck-shoulder-upper back area; skin problems; general feeling of hopelessness and anxiety.
At least I haven't been suffering from nightmares lately so that's a win.
Anyhow, that there is the usual list of my stress symptoms and right now I'm going through all of its contents without having a clear idea as to what I'm so stressed about. Not amusing.
There surely is a number of things that might be causing such reactions but being the chronic worrier that I am it tends to take something more than a regular bothering to make my system go as nuts as it currently is. That is to say, a fast approaching deadline, a major life change or some people related drama is usually needed to splash around the contents of the metaphorical bucket that is my mental health. I am constantly worried but it's not constantly making me feel ill because I've simply grown used to it. Now I am puzzled because my life seems to lack a proper stress-cause and I'm still being bombarded with all these unpleasant sensations.
How about I write down everything that I'm even moderately worried and/or having other non-pleasing feelings about. I might be able to find out what's at the core of this - or not.
Brace yourself for here it comes.
anything and everything money related
going back to uni
the fact that I'll have to develop myself further as an artist/practitioner of photography
moving in a new house and having to deal with more housekeeping than last year
an essay of minimum 5,000 words
an exhibition at the end of spring semester
should probably get a part-time job
not getting to go to dance classes because there isn't any nearby
not being able to jog outdoors because there isn't anything but concrete and cars and hobos
possibly gaining weight because won't be able to exercise as much as during this summer and can't afford to buy as healthy food as I'm used to
a certain person
and a third one as well I guess
finishing summer assignments
whatever socialising I'm expected to do regarding my course
becoming a horribly unbearable bitch of a flatmate
life after finishing my degree
some of my friends with perfect relationships, flawless future plans and cosy apartments
Ok this is getting out of hand.
But you get the idea. I get the idea.
Logically thinking it's no wonder I feel stressed and anxious. I'm used to being preoccupied with two or three weighty issues whereas now there appears to be a pile of things, none of which causing a major burden by itself. Count them all together and you get quite a baggage.
Also, introspectiveness is a bit of curse for noticing changes in myself makes me concerned about the physical sensations as well. In addition to stressing over things I'm also stressing over being stressed. Ouch.
Sometimes I don't understand myself.