Anonymously Grateful

I've been wanting to write about something for a while but since my mind is mostly occupied with thoughts like 'I need a summer job', 'where should I print the graduation photos I've promised to do?' and 'why are these tripods so expensive?' I've decided to spare you from the agonising boredom of reading about them.

Oh, and I did get through both my photography assignment and essay alive so there's a plus, and I'm also in Finland now so you can assume that I managed to pack up all of my belongings - not without a minor mental breakdown in the process but nonetheless.

But now I'll talk about something because I want to. Just as a fair warning: it's going to be rather personal and therefore immensely boring - not forgetting cheesiness.

So yeah, let's begin.

You know when in movies and TV shows and books characters speak their minds all the time and know how to put into words their feelings towards other people? Even if they are seemingly awkward or shy, they still somehow end up saying awesome things to each other - and by awesome I don't necessarily mean nice and positive but any kinds of things that sound really cool and witty. Tired as I am, I don't have any amazing examples to offer at this point but I'm sure you know what I'm talking about. Use your knowledge of popular culture and literature.
For those who have an urge to point out that the people in movies and TV series and books are, more often than not, fictional, thus made to be the way they are, and the words they say come originally from an author or a screenwriter: I know but it's not the point now.

My point is that whilst I do have an extremely high regard on honesty and being straight with one another, I frequently find myself unable to express some feelings and thoughts that I'd like to. In many occasions, saying those things would probably be unnecessary as people tend to have some sort of mutual understanding on their relationships, but because I'm an emotional, dramatic romantic, I need to declare my feelings at times to make sure that people are aware what they mean to me. Because that is, for some reason, extremely important. I don't even know.

Obviously, I do have negative opinions of people as well but based on experience gained through hours and hours of talking with people and analysing them and myself, we seem to be vastly more aware of our faults than our virtues, and so I find it totally unnecessary to bring up those things. Unless, of course, there was someone clearly clueless of their own imperfection.

What is this mindless rambling?

To multiply the amount of unfocused, wandering thoughts I'll briefly write a few lines for certain anonymous persons, to whom I don't have the courage to tell why they play a really important role in my life. And to confuse everyone even more, I'll just address each of these individuals with the pronoun you like I was talking only to them, which I am so this doesn't even make sense.
I'll try to concentrate now. Actually I should be in bed already.

You've been a constant presence in my life for years, as sturdy as the foundations of a house, a stabilising force. We don't talk much, and in a way we aren't particularly close either, but I know I can trust you blindly no matter what. We differ in our views of the world but concerning all of the things that we have in common, I can't help but have compassion and understanding towards you.

If I wanted to say all the things to you now, it would lead to writing an essay. I wish I could somehow just convey everything that feel about you, to you, so you could understand -- but that's just crazy and your brain would probably explode. You have a uniquely soothing effect on me, which has the power to erase all of my worries for at least a moment. Being the overly panicky and stressing person that I am, the aforementioned quality is something that I deeply appreciate. I'm not terribly afraid of the world - yet you make me feel safe. Except for when I'm irrationally terrified of losing you.

I wish I could know you properly but that's already a problem since I tend to be overwhelmingly open - pushy even - when I get excited about a person. Then, after a while, I realise that I should have begun with being slower and less invading, which makes me retreat in my embarrassment. Anyhow, I'm totally convinced that I'd love to be your friend and know you better, and perhaps some day that will happen.

You are definitely my externalised common sense, believe it or not. Even though you have your own unsolvable situation you manage to keep it as a separate thing outside other aspects of your life. I admire that. There's a countless number of qualities in you, almost to the point of envy. But amazing as you are it's still not too much, and instead of being jealous, I'm merely happy of and for you.

You and me don't keep in touch a whole lot, and I bet you have no idea of your importance to me. You belong to the small group of people who have an ability to ease my mind. It is a universally acknowledged fact that you are a loveable, kind, precious person, and I feel lucky to know you even the little that I do. However, I do feel that I'm mostly just bothering you - but then again, that's how I feel about many awesome people. I hope you don't feel like you're wasting time with me. And if I knew how to thank you of everything that you've said to help me preserve my sanity, I would. As of now, I have no idea how to do that.

And there we are with some rather vague nonsense.

I don't know if this was even worth a blogpost but whatever. I'll go to bed now.


I'd also tell Scarlett Johansson that before her appearance in Iron Man 2 I'd never given another thought for my sexual orientation, but that seeing her as Natasha Romanov/ Black Widow woke me up to the fact that I most definitely was into girls.

Now, bed.

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