I'm not going to promise anything for I've never believed in that stuff. I'm also not going to do any kind or summary or evaluation of the past year because that would mean analysing and thinking things I don't want to be analysing and thinking. Let's just say that nice things happened and awful things happened and at the moment I'm very much confused about myself.
Some things never change, my dear readers.
I'm beginning to believe that all of everything is actually me, I mean it seems that no matter what kind of situation there is in my life, I'm always stressed, anxious and confused. So many times have I been sure that when this and this is over I'll be fine and happy and calm. And every time when I've got something sorted a new issue has risen, and there we are: back in the endless rat race. Even one of my friends recently pointed out: "I figure it's your artistic nature".
And perhaps that's true. I'm restless, I'm ambitious - and I always want more, more, more. I'm demanding, dramatic, emotional. Yes, many things I am, and maybe that's exactly why I'll find myself in the middle of emotional hurricanes over and over again. Maybe I'm just the kind of person who will never find that peace because she's never entirely satisfied with anything.
I don't know.
But I can tell you - not for the first, probably nor the last time - that being me is rather exhausting at times.
Another friend of mine, who has been going through her personal crises as well told me that she's starting to accept that feeling everything at once and being distressed about it might just be a part of being of certain age, a part of maturing. Good for you, I thought, but I can't settle with that explanation - not on my part at least. I tend to reject all forms of "age-racism", by which I mainly mean undervaluing or overvaluing someone based on their biological age. Age is nothing but a number, and we never should be too fixed upon it when evaluating a person.
Being young doesn't automatically mean that you don't know what's good for you in terms of your future.
It doesn't mean that you don't know anything about love or commitment.
And it sure as hell doesn't mean that every decision of yours that somehow differs from those that your parents or grandparents have made is any less right.
Most importantly, if I end up realising that something I did was a mistake, I want to be sure that it still was my own choice to do it and that now I possibly know how not to repeat it.
I don't think that just because you haven't done something before, or haven't lived for forty-something years self-evidently makes you an idiot whose sayings or feelings or whatever shouldn't be taken seriously. It's like saying for a lesbian that she can't say she only likes girls if she hasn't tried guys. I bloody well know what I want and even better what I don't want.
There's always someone who thinks too highly of themselves - and their intelligence, but you know what, prejudices can be extremely offensive.
|Hulk very angry|
It's not even that anyone had used these arguments on me. Merely knowing that someone might is enough to upset me. I wonder what that tells about me.
For the record, by saying good for her I actually mean good for her, for if trusting that eventually this manic roller-coaster ride from Hell will slow down makes it easier for my friend to deal with her troubles, then I couldn't be happier. I'm not bitter for not being able to rely on that hope myself; I'm just happy that she has found at least a temporary state of peace.
Kind of lost my trail of thought there.
Dear year of 2012, would you mind being just a teeny bit easier than your precursor?
Otherwise I'd merrily enjoy keeping on living with all the drama and banging my head against a brick wall but I'm just so incredibly tired right now. In all honesty, I don't think I can actually take any more of this or anything else for that matter. So, just a little bit easier, ok?