You possibly have heard - and even if you haven't you're just about to - about artists who get very absorbed by and obsessed about their projects. Which, by the way, is not what this post will be about. Anyway, first of all I'm not sure if I am an artist and second of all I'm not that obsessed about my work. Lately, however I've been obliged to bother my brain with my reality, other people's realities and the reality in general due to my artistic project (which I just finished yay!). Then I remembered this previous blogpost of mine, in which I presented my humble wish for anyone to make me a song about trusting my eyes and not my treacherous feelings.
Ironically it turned out that once again my first instinct and overall feelings were right about the thing that originally had set me in the mood of producing that text. It was one of those times when you desperately hope to be wrong; and one of those rare times that you end up being absolutely correct.
Having been able to distance myself at least a tiny bit from the state I was in when I posted that and many other entries in this blog, I've found a sort of a link to the reality stuff that's been bouncing inside my mind since the beginning of this course. Quite naturally our first impression of reality is that it's something solid and - not unchanging - but something that's always there, around us, something that doesn't vanish into thin air in a split second. Reality itself shouldn't change just because you or someone else want it to.
And yet when you get uncontrollably terrified or upset of something, you actually do anything to believe that what is real and happening is actually nothing at all and only crazy tricks of your own mind.
Yup, denial they call it.
The funny thing about denial is that you don't always know that you're kind of doing it. When your safe house constructed on top of the real reality feels sturdy enough and you're all warm and cosy under its roof, you block out what's really going on around you. But that construction is everything but stable and either it will crush you or be crushed by the shit you tried to hide away from, which hurts in either case.
What I find interesting in a disturbing kind of way is that in this situation the denial becomes your reality. Everything in your perception and reasoning changes slightly so that all information gathered from the surrounding world has to go through this special filter, which only lets the bits and pieces relevant to your staged reality pass. At some point you automatically turn everything contradictory upside down and try hard to see things in a certain light. It's like if you had an awesome theory of a unsolved crime and you're just so certain that it is correct and then you end up only seeing the evidence that somehow supports your theory whilst ignoring everything else as irrelevant and beside the point.
--- I don't honestly even know where I'm going with this text now.
I just started writing instead of going to bed, which I definitely should've done. ---
There is a reason why I'm concerning myself with this stuff right now, though and I'm not going to delve into details about it. It's just that even though I can sort of look at past events and situations more objectively and perhaps more wisely, I still don't seem to be able to deliver that knowledge and wisdom into my current circumstances to get a better understanding of things.
I think it's fair to say that I have rather good instincts in terms of complicated-life-stuff, which I don't really know how to define at all. I mean oftentimes following my intuition would've been at least very close to the right course of action and I'm annoyingly conscious of subtle things around me. What does that even mean? Although sometimes it happens that I am completely and utterly oblivious of some great drama going on but let's say that if I think I know something about something it's quite probably close to the truth.
As it is, I'm very much confused about my life at the moment. Not that I ever wasn't. And not that it particularly bothered me but still, there's some seriously jumbled stuff in my head that won't come out and stay in order. So, at this point I'd like to be intuitive and not analyse too much, and certainly not worry prematurely too much. My problem is that I've kind of lost that primary instinct thanks to my naturally over-analysing brain. I tend to chew things over with such dedication and thoroughness that after a while there's no way of telling where and how did it all start.
So, yeah. I'd like to cancel that order of a rationalising song after all since that doesn't seem to be my thing. Let's just listen with that heart. If I only could recognise its voice.