I promised you a post of a proper length and here comes.
(Although, once again I should be occupied with a dozen other things instead.)
When organising and cleaning up this blog I noticed that I seem to have this habit of starting with telling how and why I came to think of whatever I'm intending to discuss, especially when said subject is going to involve a lot of obscure pondering about my quirks and life as an emotionally unstable and needlessly melodramatic female human being.
Today's topic came to me last night when bicycling home from work and listening to Poets of the Fall (that's a massive surprise there *cough*). At the moment I can't bring myself to recall which song it was that commenced the thinking process, which then lead to me sitting here on this hard floor surrounded by needles and piles of fabrics, trying to modify my jumbled thoughts in at least partly sensible and comprehensible form. For what I know it must have been about feelings and trusting your heart and such. But then again, I suppose there's no certainty of even that, since my mind seems to be able to perform more or less awkward transitions between any kinds of subjects whatsoever.
Now that I sort of semi-unintentionally revealed my topic (it's the feelings-and-trusting-your-heart part) I might as well get started with it instead of clinging on these nonsensical ramblings.
There are many songs, the message of which is to encourage us listeners to trust our hearts and not always take what we see or hear for granted.
Look with your heart
And not with your eyes
The heart can't be fooled
The heart is too wise
Forget what you think
Ignore what you hear
Look with you heart
It always sees clear
(Look With Your Heart from the musical Love Never Dies by Sir Andrew Lloyd Webber)
Listen with your heart
You will understand
Let it break upon you
Like a wave upon the sand
Listen with your heart
You will understand
(Listen With Your Heart from Disney's Pocahontas)
And then there supposedly -or not, was that one song by Poets of the Fall plus an undefinable amount of others. If you happen to have something alike in mind, do share.
Listening or looking with one's heart is obviously a metaphor of trusting one's feelings instead of reasoning everything and basing one's conclusions on objective, observable facts. The preconception behind this ideal seems to be that we humans are sensible and reasonable beings who predominantly rely on logic and phenomena that can be seen or heard. Such individuals undoubtedly exist somewhere - somewhere that is not precisely here, in this room. As you may have learned by now, I am not in the least a rational person who trusts in her good sense in every occasion, or even in most of them for that matter. I've always followed my heart, and I can assure you that it is not a particularly talented guide since we hardly ever know our precise location nor the direction we should next take or even how we ended up in wherever we are standing. My decisions, conclusions, reactions - basically everything are primarily based on emotions. Given that these feelings of mine have been an endless and unpredictable roller-coaster ride since the moment I was born, there might possibly be more sensible and stable ways of living than the one I'm carrying out.
Not to sound like a totally irresponsible and impossible maniac, which I -after all- am not: regardless of being first and foremost an emotion based thinker and doer I am perfectly capable of reasoning and considering things in order to make sensible-ish decisions. However, this ability mostly applies to practical things like using money (alright, alright, getting an insanely expensive and sizeable tattoo wasn't necessarily a necessity, nor was purchasing all those clothes and geek stuff I got last year but generally I do try to keep shopping within reason), studying or making plans for the future, and not in my emotional life, self-observing or relationships. It's amazing how apparently the entire left side of my brain (it is said that the left brain is logical whilst the right one uses feeling) switches off when reason is most needed. This happens approximately four times a week causing personal crises of a wide scale from "I need my special angst-healing tea and maybe I should call my girlfriend/best friend" to "I've been crying for three hours in a row and not eaten anything because nobody loves me and I loathe myself and nothing will ever be fine again".
Returning to the music that inspired me to dig into this thing - a thing that has somehow widened and evolved and bred and shrunk and is now something else than I imagined it to be - in the first place, I have to point out that as I am this harmless looking but very much impulsive and emotionally capacious individual I can strongly empathise with other people's creative expressions of feelings and stuff.
What a monstrously long and disorderly sentence that one. But I hope you get the point.
In coherent words I'm trying to say that music, for instance, affects me and touches me in deep levels. I can easily relate to different kinds of stories even if I had no first-hand experience of such affairs. I also rather masterfully absorb other people's feelings even when they're already put into a format of a song or some other kind of a piece of art. Being this open for all kinds of earthmoving emotions is not my most useful talent, since at times it happens that I'm unsure of which feeling is mine and which is someone else's and then I usually find myself suffering twice as much as is even close to healthy. I remember formerly talking about this tendency of mine considering my relationships with actual people: how I have a habit of mixing my own feelings with theirs and being troubled about their problems in addition to my own ones. What I'm talking about now is how even an actual human contact is not needed to make my feelings go crazy. Just an interpretation of something someone has at some point felt is enough.
I love both of the aforementioned songs and would like to believe them and what they say. But could somebody, please make me a song that would convince me to trust logic and reason and what I see and hear and know? This would me most kind and needed. Thank you very much.
And now there's some mail to be sorted hence to the work we go.