Faith isn't something I think about a lot in my daily life. Perhaps because normally I don't need anything above myself to believe in. When bad things happen to people many suddenly become religious or spiritual in some way. When we face an obstacle we cannot pass, break or cross it's natural to turn to something out of our world, something higher and better.
I don't believe in any god but I'm not an atheist either. My Facebook profile page says that I'm an agnostic: a person who holds that the ultimate cause God and the essential nature of things are unknown and unknowable or that human knowledge is limited to experience.
I'm not sure whether I completely agree with the textbook definition of my religious views but it's close enough to separate me from an atheist, which I'm not.
Calling myself an agnostic is a way to avoid arguments concerning faith and worldviews. I honestly don't know whether there is something beyond my understanding or not - apart from mathematics that is. I don't know what happens when we die. I don't know if there is a soul. I don't know whether someone has planned all this or not.
Usually my feelings about this matter are quite atheistic - I'm doubtful of the existence of God and such. I don't however think ill of those who have their faith, not in the least. I respect them like all humans for I'm no one to judge anyone for their beliefs and ways of life. I suppose everyone wants to believe in something. I'm not sure of my own beliefs - how to describe them. But I believe in something too.
So far my life has been quite steady and secure. I've had my own crises which at those times have seemed impossible and unsolvable. Yet, I've always pulled myself together and survived. Like the old saying goes: "If it doesn't kill you, it'll make you stronger." Lame but true I say.
About 50 hours ago something came and struck me harder than anything before.
The way it made me fall apart was almost terrifying in itself added to that I was also scared about the thing that had shaken me so badly. I have never in my life felt such physical pain over a non-physical cause. During next couple of hours I experienced more or less my entire negative emotional scale from apathy to anger. I managed to sleep two hours and in the following hours I could keep not a bit of food inside me. My heart was beating like it was trying to come through my chest and my whole body was so alert I was shaking at times.
I'm only telling this to give some sort of an impression about the state I was in not long ago. At this point it doesn't even matter what exactly is the something that caused such an emotional hurricane, to which my body responded so violently.
To add a little perspective, my way to react to any kind of stress is pretty strong. It's not anything unusual for me feel physically ill because of mental distress. Not ever has it gotten this bad, but no one has died either so don't worry.
But back to the topic.
When I found myself unable to sleep or stay in the house any more I went for a walk and out there, in a forest when my head started to clear a tiny bit I thought that since things are so drastically wrong and there is absolutely nothing I can do to help it, I might as well ask for help. Then I prayed. Sort of. I still don't believe in God, not really. I just felt so utterly hopeless that it was the only thing that I could do. I just wished that if there was someone listening, that someone would help me even though I didn't really believe in them.
I realise that I'm not making any life-altering notices here. This is merely a whole new and strange experience to me and even though it hasn't brought any light to the subject of my religious view it has a value of its own.
I also apologise for the shortness and blandness of this post. To be honest, I'm not at the most productive and energetic state of mind right now but I felt like writing at least this bit down.
