I have only myself to blame, though, for I'd consumed a cup of soy-latte earlier in the evening. I'm not used to high amounts of caffeine and therefore suppose it was the caffeine that woke me.
Also, I was hungry and needed a banana.
Anyway, my point is somewhere beyond soy-latte and bananas.
As I lay there trying to get back unconscious thoughts raced through my mind like very incoherent and intoxicated bees. When I looked through the things I'd posted here on my blog I remembered how, about six months ago, I'd discovered the new dimensions of my sexuality
You surely recall that endless pondering over love, crushes, sexual orientation etc. Well, I guess I was just trying to make myself realise that I already was and had been in love quite a while by then.
And this is not the point I'm trying to get to.
I'm mostly organising my thoughts here, so advance at your own risk, please.
The first time I really cared to spare a thought for my sexual orientation was, pathetically enough, when Scarlett Johansson first entered the room in the movie Iron Man 2. And I'm not kidding.
This is actually what happened. It was like a huge eureka moment.
BAM I like girls.
Just like that.
And back to the point. Where even was I?
Alright, so I began to define myself a bisexual.
As a parenthesis, I'm not keen on putting labels on everything and everyone; I just feel at least a little more comfortable with myself if I can sort of belong somewhere. Must be a former-synchro-team-member-thing. I feel like it's good to be a part of a larger group.
Ugh, I'm so tired I'm drifting away from the topic. Which I haven't actually even reached yet.
Some time last night then, I was trying to remember all of the rare people I've ever had a crush on. Fortunately, they really are rare and it was pretty simple to catch a memory of each of them.
I separate celebrity crushes and "real people" crushes from each other because they're not really comparable and are usually based on very different reasons.
It seems that only once have I had a crush on a boy of my own age. Although, I'm convinced that had it not been for my best friend I wouldn't even had paid attention to his existence. In other words, I liked him because she (and the rest of the class) liked him. Finally, I fell in love with the feeling of being smitten and that's why I was so desperate about the whole case. As a 12-year-old.
I can't say for sure but I just might have fancied a couple girls in our class even back then.
I remember having dream about one of them at least.
During the last years of comprehensive school we enjoyed spending our breaks stalking older guys from the high-school in the same building. It was great fun, but again, I suppose it was my best friend who actually fancied them and I, who just followed
and unconsciously stalked pretty girls instead.
I'm not saying I've been living in a closet. I just never gave a second thought for the matter for some reason. I was married to skating and there was no room for any kind of a romance or relationship.
I never considered the possibility of being gay because I never really was sexually interested in anyone. You see, there's a difference in the sexual interest and general fascination - I believe you can feel either or both of them towards a person, but the sexuality is mainly biologically determined.
For example, I can admire various actors and male musicians and such for their looks, character and charisma but that doesn't mean fantasize over them (gotta admit I had a dream, in which, while making out with RDJ, I wished he was my gf instead, though but that's kind of a reverse for a fantasy, I think).
I can also idolize many female celebs. I may or may not fantasize over them and I think I'm approaching TMI anyway.
The point, however, stands: I am most sincerely not in the least attracted to the idea of exploring the manly body parts in any way, thank you very much. You can keep them.
Supposedly this makes me a lesbian.
A very, very tired and incoherent and distractable lesbian.