It seems I have finally fallen from my rainbow-coloured cloud of candy-floss for at least a while.
There's no particular reason. I'm just feeling irritated and melancholic and should probably just curl up on some corner and cry a little.
Instead, I'm going to write something in the hopes that some part of this blue mood would vanish and I'd be able to sleep.
And just to make this clear: the matter I'm going to write about has nothing to with my current mood.
Not that I knew, anyway.
Again a single thought came to my mind and started a huge chain reaction of thinking and over-analysing inside my head while I was brushing my teeth a few moments ago.
As a friend I find myself open - I willingly share my thoughts, dreams, hopes, fears and such with those closest to me. Even though I'm not highly comfortable with talking about how I feel, I've managed to describe some of my emotional life for few closest people in my life. I have no troubles in speaking my mind and revealing bits of my personality for the people I trust. However, I certainly wont ramble on myself unless I'm convinced that whomever I'm discussing with is actually interested in what I'm saying and is ready to give something back. To open up, I need to feel safe and equal with the other person. This kind of deep interaction is, after ten years of friendship, very natural between me and my best friend (I don't like to rank my friends in any way but this expression is closest to the truth), and although she doesn't say as much as I'd like to hear, I'm pretty good in guessing and presuming what's going on inside that head of hers. The two of us know each other quite thoroughly and therefore also understand each other's points of view.
Obviously, I can't know everything about all of my friends. That would be just exhausting.
I always want to get to know every single one of them better and better. There's one hell of a challenge because it seems that most of my closest relationships involve people who, like me, need a long time to build enough trust to expose their true selves. And how do you make a bunch of socially challenged idiots realise they are all perfectly safe, respected and trusted among one another?
So yes, it's both hard to get close to people and let people close.
Usually it takes several hours of lighter warming-up conversation before it's possible to move on to deeper and more intimate level, closer to the people and who they really are. I can say I'm somewhat capable of leading and guiding the conversation towards the direction I want to, but the truth is, you can't make your friends tell you things they don't want to tell. It's always an option to ask straight but in most occasion I find that a little too rude. Using a sort of a detour feels smoother and more comfortable.
Of course sometimes it would be easier and smarter just to open your mouth and get the words out. Unfortunately, I haven't learnt that one yet.
I feel really special and touched every time when someone tells me something of their own will and totally out of the blue. You know, without those long hours of preparation talk. It happens rarely but that makes those moments so remarkable, for me at least. To be worth someone's trust is one of the most beautiful things I have felt in my life.
I had a reason why I began to write this entry.
I think it was that I wish my friends were more open and talked more about their personal things and that I could be also be less reserved and more honest. Even right now I have a dozen things I'd like to share but somehow I always assume no one's interested in them.
blahblahblahhh.... I should go to bed now.
Still feeling a bit pissed off, though.