Bad J

I haven't got the slightest idea of my J-word.So, let's consult the dictionary again.

Of course it had to be so obvious I couldn't see it. Jealousy. That's my unfortunate J. The worst thing in me that I can't get rid of. I am, though very talented at hiding it. I believe there's but one or two people who even have a clue about it, actually.

First of all, I must clarify this a little. I'm not jealous of the things that others have and I don't, nor do I envy anyone's luck or happiness that doesn't reach me. I admit moaning and whining sometimes when I can't have everything I want but I don't really mean it. I tend to think that by losing something I can achieve something else instead.
But I am jealous of people. Since I've never had a romantic relationship, this sounds even more stupid. Nevertheless, I'm very possessive when it comes to people I love and care about - basically my friends. I know this is entirely inconsistent with what I've written about the greatness of friendship; how it is free and equal, how you're not bound to anyone etc.
When I was younger it was even worse. I needed constant proves of my importance and value. My self-esteem was so low I often doubted if my friends really cared about me, if I really meant as much for them as they meant for me. I wanted to sort of own them. I got jealous when people told how fun they'd had or what plans they'd made if said events included some other friend of theirs.
These days I don't mind hearing stories not concerning myself.
However, there's still this tiny, tiny voice that sometimes whispers poisonous words in my ears and wakes up my jealousy. In good times, like this, I can relatively easily ignore it and remind myself that there does not exist top tens in friendship and I'm not the center of the universe.
In bad times, though, it gets more complicated. When my self-esteem is lower than usual in any case, that nagging, doubting voice gets control with less effort.

To sum up, I'm a commitment phobic who wants to own all of her friends.

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