People to See, Demons to Kill

As I'm sure everyone who wastes time reading this blog is aware of, I have these phases when I can't stop myself from turning every single conversation that I have into a passionate ramble about Nightwish.

Occasionally I get obsessed with other things too, like when The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey came out last December. At that time the rest of my household was pretty much equally insane for the same reason so that worked out just fine because we were just making one another's fangirl feelings worse.

My mind isn't currently occupied with either Nightwish or Middle Earthly adventures although I am always subconsciously very much obsessed with both of them. Instead I have found an entirely new course to satisfy my escapist appetite with: a gem of American television - Buffy, The Vampire Slayer. 

Well yes, it's not strictly speaking brand-new as the series finale aired in 2003 - ten fucking years ago. Oh boy, am I old.

Let's take a moment to appreciate the fabulous fashion choices of the Scooby Gang in the late 90's.

I never really watched Buffy when it was on TV around the early 2000's. I guess that's just because I happened to watch Charmed - and I don't know, maybe it was on when I had skating practice. Which is a perfectly viable option by the way. However, I didn't start watching the show now, at the mature age of 21, because of childhood nostalgia but because I had a strong feeling that I should - and also because it is Joss Whedon's brainchild thus superb quality by definition. And maybe a little because of Spike.

I could easily deliver a Joss Whedon appreciation post, or a feminist analysis on Buffy, or something titled incredibly lamely "Buffy, The Fashion Slayer" because seriously have you seen how these people dress.

But actually, I just want to tell you why Spuffy is better than Bangel. In my opinion anyway. And god do I hate these silly ship names, like Bangel just makes me think of bagels and Spuffy kinda resembles fluffy and that's pretty much the exact opposite of Buffy and Spike's relationship.

I am going talk about other things as well but really, the reason why I started writing this post is the character development of Spike, and if you're not okay with that you should go home now.

The entire show in a nutshell. I stole this pic from tumblr, sue me.

So, let me jump right in the most horrifying and painful scene of the entire seven seasons and 144 episodes of BtVS. As a passionate feminist I should probably hate Spike for what happens in the scene in question but fortunately this is a TV show about vampires so we'll find our way around it.

If you're familiar with the show you know what occasion I'm referring to. If not, I'll explain briefly what's going on. First of all, Spike is a vampire, a soulless abomination, creature of the night, and Buffy is the Slayer whose job is to turn guys like Spike literally into dust. However, due to various circumstances that I won't go through now, Spike and Buffy have been having a lot of kinky sex throughout the previous episodes on this season (6). They're not exactly together though, and their relationship could be described as mutually exploitative. Spike is head over heels in love with Buffy (no, he doesn't have a soul; yes, he is capable of some form of love nonetheless). Buffy is kind of emotionally messed up, and is struggling with, on one hand passion and desire and on the other, her own moral issues concerning banging a mortal enemy.

Then there's this scene where Spike almost rapes Buffy.

Before we all lose our shit, let me remind you that Spike is essentially a beast who's killed - and most likely raped thousands of people during his ~120 years of vampire existence so there you go. He doesn't have a soul, which simply means that his understanding of right and wrong is a bit hazy. And so far, his affair with Buffy has basically consisted of her saying no while simultaneously pushing him up against a wall in an undeniably sexual manner. Hence a certain amount of confusion is bound to be present.

When I said kinky...

Obviously none of this would justify a rape, and that's not what I'm trying to do at all.

Actually I don't even know why I have such an urge to explain and defend Spike. This isn't tumblr after all, and I don't intend to get in a fandom war with some passionate anti-Spike-ist.

Anyway. Just to quickly demonstrate why Spike is better than Angel.
First, in case you haven't watched BtVS but are still reading this for some reason, unbeknownst to me, let me tell you about Angel. He's also a vampire, but unlike Spikey, he has a soul because gipsy-curse-magic stuff happened. He used to hang out with Spike and a couple of charming ladies when he still was soulless, ruthless killer. Now he's just a puppy, a brooding puppy to be exact. You see, if he experiences even a fraction of a second of pure happiness he will lose his soul and become quite unpleasant. This happened when he had sex with Buffy a few years back. That's why they're no longer together.
Just in comparison, soulless Spike is completely smitten with Buffy, accidentally almost rapes her, but stops when realises that this time no actually means no.
Soulless Angel almost kills everyone but doesn't because Buffy kills him first.
I would advice everyone to stay the fuck away from attractive vampires because clearly they are trouble.

This is looking to become a long, long post. I am sorry. No I'm not.

Let's forget about Angel because let's be honest, his constant sulking pisses me off. And also he's not British and sassy.

After the awful incident Spike falls apart and goes on for his own quest - to get a soul so that he might be worthy of Buffy's love. When he's passed several gory and violent tasks he's indeed rewarded with his soul, which causes him to fall apart even harder. And that, dear reader, is terrible to watch.

Stuff happens, apocalypse is once again near, the usual. Spike and Buffy don't really end up together but they do have a very special connection. Not so much physical this time. There's this amazing scene where Spike is trying to convince Buffy that she is going to come out as a winner. Here's what he says:

"When I say I love you, it’s not because I want you, or because I can’t have you. It has nothing to do with me. I love what you are. What you do. How you try. I’ve seen your kindness, and your strength. I’ve seen the best and the worst of you, and I understand, with perfect clarity, exactly what you are.”

This is definitely one of the most beautiful declarations of love that I've come across in films, TV or books. The sincerity and selflessness that he wants her to see, that this is not an attempt to get in her pants, but real and pure sentiment, detached from his desires and wants is heartbreaking and powerful. Moments - and more importantly - story arcs like this are the reason why I am so into pop-culture. When a singular scene, a storyline or a character in a series with 40 minute episodes affects you, makes you stop and think - that's when you know that it's not all pointless. That quote by Spike (so technically by Joss Whedon or whomever wrote it) has been with me since I heard it, and it is personally significant because it puts into words something that I haven't been able to. What's more, I strongly relate to some aspects of Spike's character development, especially how he learns to deal with his feelings toward Buffy.
I guess, that's the best thing you can get out of any kind of fiction: the feeling that you can empathise with a character - and in a way that they might empathise with you if they were real. Forming a connection to a story and learning something in the process - even if you're connecting with a bleached vampire dressed in leather - is exactly why stories are awesome.

There are so many other things about this show that I could discuss, but I think this is probably enough for one day. Just one more thing that I absolutely have to mention is how beautifully Willow's sexual orientation is handled. She is such an amazing character to begin with, and when they gave her a girlfriend I almost bursted with excitation. The way her lesbian relationships are not fetishized or made into spectacle makes me so happy because that's what the standard should be for every TV show and film. None of the issues that Willow has to face in the series originates from the fact that she's gay. And I feel gratified, which is weird because I shouldn't even need to think about this. I'm just so used to having homosexuality presented as a joke or a fetish that seeing it this way,  the way it is, gets my attention. I salute you, Master Whedon.

That's Tara and Willow and I am a puddle of goo.

Wow, okay, I should really stop before this gets any more out of hand.
Watch Buffy, it'll be good for you - once you've stopped crying and sobbing after the season 7 finale.

Lazy Brain

No, it's not going to be fine. Change is never fine. They say it is, but it's not.

- words of wisdom uttered by Sheldon Cooper of Big Bang Theory

Ever felt like Sheldon here? Although it is impossible to foresee how any series of events will affect the current situation we tend to have a strong gut feeling about the most likely outcome. I don't know about everyone else but at least in my case, if that gut feeling isn't clearly flashing green for go, changing the present tends to become a no. If I don't have enough knowledge to conclude what certain actions will do to the current state of events, I assume that it is better to remain where I am rather than risk it. However, making decisions is necessary in the everyday life: we have to choose between cereal, toast and porridge at breakfast, and what clothes to put on. To take a bus, a car, a bike or a walk to work? To pay with cash or card? Credit or debit? What to have for dinner? No one can know if opting for a take-away coffee instead of having one at home has serious consequences for the rest of your - or someone else's - life. It might; it might not. The butterfly effect describes how all of the big things are made of series of little things. Obviously it is quite impossible to profoundly ponder over every action we take in the daily life. Time doesn't wait for us, and today's hectic society demands efficiency and swiftness.

Some things, though, we can and should think through thoroughly. Big, life-altering decisions are sometimes terrifying especially if we are left to make them on our own. To be honest, they are pretty scary even if there is someone to give their judgement on the situation - according to my experience anyway. The worst of all, in my opinion, are situations where remaining passive - not doing anything about anything is a conscious decision in itself, as opposed to being active and doing something; usually the only thing available. You can't escape the decision because passivity becomes a statement as well.

And there we go.

Decisions often lead to changes, and change - while possibly good - is unpredictable and therefore a liability.

And why is unpredictable decidedly bad?

I love psychology and brains and stuff, thus a summer holiday means loads of time to read more into the subject. In one of my brain books that I've been carrying home from the library I learned that basically our brain objects change. It is perhaps not groundbreaking news to anyone but an interesting thing to think about anyway. The brain aims for homeostasis: that is, it likes stability. In terms of change, there are two sides in this coin. First of all, change shakes - sometimes more, sometimes less - the prevalent mental state and brain archive of an individual, thus disrupting the homeostasis. Not good, the brain thinks. On the other hand, our brain has an infinite ability to adjust, so whilst being a natural reaction, reluctance towards decision-making and changing things is merely a sign of laziness on the side of our brain: it opposes getting more work to do. And more work would inevitably follow any action rearranging the present order.

So technically, I guess, we ought to ignore our fears and insecurities about changes, and just go on with them.

Ha.

As if.

I can stare at the insides of my closet for ages because I cannot make up my mind as to what to wear - beginning from underwear in the worst days. At times, I even find getting the day started an extremely overpowering challenge since I'm having a hard time deciding in which order I should perform the day's tasks. Not to mention the real hard things that would definitely have dramatic alterations in the current state of affairs.

And now, I suppose my plane is about to land.

So I should probably switch off the laptop and be done with this silly obscurity.

Wear it like a crown

"Let them see that their words can cut you and you’ll never be free of the mockery. If they want to give you a name take it make it your own. Then they can’t hurt you with it anymore."

-Tyrion Lannister, A Song of Ice and Fire by George R. R. Martin

As intelligent as the human race should be compared to the rest of the animal kingdom it still, for some reason, clings on the laws of wilderness by turning against the weak and the divergent of its own kind in order to nurse the illusion of superiority. Being distinctively different from the average seems to give anyone a permission to express their opinion publicly. Black skin, Down syndrome, two men holding hands, dwarfism, cross-dressing, wearing a burkha – as long as you stand out from the crowd you are a possible target for both direct judgment and silent disapproval mostly expressed by varying combinations of freezing looks, forced smiles and nose-wrinkling. Reasons for prejudices are as many as their harbourers and I’m not going to focus on elaborating those just now. The way I see it is that all of us have something to hide and to possibly be used against us, the unfortunate are those whose something can’t be put out of sight. Or perhaps they are the fortunate living without a fear of their secret coming to light for it is already there.

Either way you can’t avoid facing other people.

Well, you can but the lifestyle of a hermit doesn’t suit the most of us.

Of course you can always decide to become a lonely guru, move on top of some nice mountain and give highly cryptic advice to the occasional tourists who are lost from their paths – literally and figuratively speaking.

Anyway, back to the actual point. I’m talking about secrets and guarding them like I had some pretty rotten skeletons in my own cupboard. Not really the case. To be honest I’m the worst at keeping things secret (that is my own things, I would never gossip about things someone else had confined to me). And secrets aren’t even the topic that I’m supposed be discussing today. Finding an inclusive term to connect all of the aspects I’m trying to talk about is just next to impossible. The not-really-weaknesses-nor-flaws-but-yet-somehow-sort-of-sensitive-features-that-may-expose-us-to-discrimination-or-unwanted-not-necessarily-negative-attention, you know, things that interest other people needlessly much and that label us whether we wanted or not. Making sense much?

I'll make an example of myself.
Like everyone knows, I’m gay, I have a girlfriend, life is rainbows and unicorns (and sometimes thunderstorms). I’m lucky to be surrounded by open-minded, artsy and loving people whose reactions to my relationship I never needed to worry about. I was really nervous about coming out to my parents but in the end that went rather smoothly as well. But then there’s the world and all those other little humans whose attitudes and opinions could be anything. I say that I don’t need anyone to tell me how they accept me being a lesbian, how they are totally okay with it. My sexual orientation has nothing to do with anyone else’s acceptance or disapproval, nor has my human dignity. The other side of the coin is that I, like so many others, would very much appreciate feeling valuable and generally accepted despite being ‘different’. With new acquaintances – and old friends who just suddenly emerge out of nowhere - I’m often afraid of the possible judgement when I mention my girlfriend, especially if they otherwise seem amiable and interesting. The more involved I get with people the bigger grows my fear.

Outwards I’m this (irritating) “out and proud” kind of person who has lesbian earrings, a gay umbrella and a canvas bag screaming FUCK YOU in rainbow-coloured letters. I don’t mind holding hands or kissing in public even though someone might cast disapproving looks upon my direction. Being public is my way to protect both myself and my relationship from haters. This is the part where you realise how the quote in the beginning is connected to me. The proud feminist lesbian (without a buzz cut though) is my shield against bigmouthed homophobes who say I’m wrong, bad and dirty. That gay rights advocate can take any amount of disrespect, then give the finger and laugh scornfully. She’s above everyone who wants to shun her and she’s so proud.
None of this is really important for it is only surface. What matters is the love that I feel for this special someone of mine. Behind this shield I am safe and my love is protected and no one can touch me. To be honest I don’t even feel pride for loving a woman instead of a man because I don’t think it’s something to be proud of. I’m proud when I finish something big or achieve something I’ve been striving for. I’m proud if I overcome a fear or if a friend succeeds in something that matters to them. But I really don’t know how to feel genuine pride of being in love. It’s love, plain and simple, and I didn’t have to do anything to make it happen, it just is.

I’m getting slightly poetic and more than slightly melodramatic and I’m not even going to apologise because I'm also tired and it's 3 Am.

Just to avoid misunderstandings: I still think that Pride is a perfectly fitting name for the gay rights movement and I love to be a part of it.

Another great example of the matter I’m trying to mull over is Slutwalk which is putting on practice exactly what the quote somewhere far above proposes: taking the abusive name ‘slut’ and making it it’s own symbol leaving the mockers like fish on dry land. This kind of seemingly careless ‘fuck everyone’ -attitude works at least for me splendidly. To raise your voice and provoke is sometimes the only effective way of aiding your cause and gaining public attention to it.
We can’t just ask for respect, we need to demand it.

Nevertheless, I sincerely do understand that people are scared and concerned of something in themselves and may feel that the skies fall crashing down if they let it out. As I told you, I’ve had it easy but many might not. If the environment is reluctant and pressuring being different - whichever way it is defined - is tough and not always even worth the trouble.
But if there’s a chance to not hide then why live on your tiptoes?
Those who turn their backs on you were most likely to walk away at some point anyway.

"In examinations, the foolish ask questions the wise cannot answer."
-Oscar Wilde