You know, sometimes I just think how pathetic it is that I can't seem to get over one girl without being prescribed anti-depressants, and more recently anti-anxiety drugs (or anxiolytics as they are apparently called).
But then I remember that people have committed suicides - and murders - over matters of heart, so I guess I could be doing worse. And also, that I might still have depression and anxiety attacks even without the relationship drama. And that obviously it's not the drugs that are going to get me to the other side. And that instead of prescribed medication I might be smoking pot, overusing alcohol, injecting whatever - or all of the above - to dull my pain, so yeah, I could definitely do worse.
But sometimes I think about it and feel - I don't know; sad, disappointed, stupid, embarrassed? Pathetic, disgusted, or merely hollow? It makes me feel that there is this part of me that I don't know at all. Like who is this girl? Why can't she let go? And why do I have to drag her around with me?
Obviously, it's all just me in here, and the part that I see as a burden is nothing but a part of me: the part that is deeply hurt and struggling, and so I have to keep dragging her around until she heals.
People are insane. I mean, human nature never ceases to amaze me. You always think that the worst thing you've ever experienced is the worst thing you are ever going to experience, but then something even more terrible happens and somehow you just don't stop. Or you know, I don't stop. I know that some people do, in fact, stop but I can't talk for them as I have never stopped myself. Sometimes things get bad; other times they get worse, but somehow I always find a reason to get up in the morning. Most of the time I don't know what the reason actually is but clearly there is something there to keep me going. Perhaps it is merely the fear; the fear of not being able to ever get up again were I to give in even once.
Thus, every day that I wake up, wonder why I even bother and drag myself out of bed to do something, anything, I congratulate myself because although I've never wanted to die, I haven't always wanted to be alive either. And I believe that every moment I keep fighting, trying, moving, is a moment closer to a happier, healthier existence.
I don't believe that anything happens for a reason; stuff just happens. When things are bad, they are going to keep getting worse until they start getting better - there is no shortcut, no magic spell, no words of a wise man to help us out. And how ever much emotional (or physical) pain we think we can take until we break down, we can probably endure tenfold. It's all about perspective. Your perspective, that is. See, another thing that I've learned, is that there is no definitive structure to human suffering, no guidebook with graphs and diagrams. No one can say that your emotional reaction to something is too severe or too weak: no one can claim that you are not feeling the correct feelings in correct magnitudes. (I dunno about Freudians though, don't ask me about Freudians) We are all individuals, all wired differently. Anything we feel, we are therefore allowed to feel.
Angry? Alright.
Sad? Ok.
Indifferent, anxious, relieved, betrayed, disappointed, exacerbated, so fucking full of this shit? It's all completely fine. Just remember to breathe, and not take it out on innocent bystanders.
I suppose some of our brains are wired in a way that when too many of these strong feelings get bottled up, we fall apart a little and need medical attention. And I guess, that's okay too.
One more thing though. If anyone ever pretends that being in love is the best feeling you can have, they have obviously not ever been in love for real. Being in love with someone is, in my opinion, the most terrifying fucking thing that can happen to you. It's all good and well when it's just a crush or when it's all new and exciting and you don't yet realize what you've gotten yourself into. But trust me, after a while you start understanding that this person has now all the means in the world to tear you apart, and there's absolutely nothing you can do to protect yourself or prevent it from happening because at this point it's already too late to sign yourself off. Congratulations if you are one of the people who get to live happily ever after with the princess/prince of your heart; or if you only manage to break up with people on your own terms; or if you can avoid really, deeply falling in love. For the rest of us, cheers, I suppose one day it's gonna have to get better.
Now for an inspirational quote from a TV show that I've never watched:
"All relationships are doomed. If you emotionally undress in front of someone, they will pour acid on your shivering skin and leave you to die."
Howard, Fresh Meat
And yes, I'm going to remain bitter and annoying until it does get better and I'm not sorry.
Because I'm so tired of feeling like I should apologize for having certain feelings. Like, I didn't decide to feel this way. And I guess I wasn't specifically asked to feel this way - to give my everything; but oops, it happened and this is what I've got now. So yeah, I'm not sorry for being passionate and irrational and furious and too many other things. And no, I will not calm down until I feel like there's not point in raging anymore.
Let's have some poetry to emphasize my martyr spirit and end this rant.
"Tonight I can write the saddest lines.
I loved her, and sometimes she loved me too."
Pablo Neruda
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