Stress rant/

I have this very unproductive habit of getting stressed about something, and then extending that stress to cover other things that I originally wasn't stressed over. Slowly those negative feelings start spreading and infecting even more aspects of my life, and it only gets worse until it doesn't i.e. until I've resolved the primary source of stress. Then I usually forget all about the anxiety and exhaustion that I was feeling while struggling with whatever acute stress I was struggling with. And soon enough, I find myself spiralling down the same route as so many times before.

Currently I'm mostly stressed over a uni assignment which is due 7th of May. I started this whole thing way too late and now I'm worried about the deadline. The problem is that I seem to be channeling a lot of that stress into eating, which makes life pretty miserable sometimes. I have a varying history with problematic eating habits dating my pre-teen years, but it's never blown up into a full eating disorder - not the kind you would get diagnosed anyway. In a longer run, I'm not too worried about it because of the high self-awareness in terms of twisted thinking patterns and substituting emotions with either consuming or restricting food. I sometimes think or do stupid things but I never truly believe that they will get me anywhere.

Thinking about murder doesn't make you a murderer.
Being sexually aroused by children makes you a pedophile, but thinking is still not a crime.

Constantly thinking about food or daily calorie intake vs. amount of exercise, restricting certain foods, feeling guilty about eating, getting excessively anxious over an egg mayo sandwich or a flapjack, or anything along those lines constitutes as some kind of an eating disorder. Just because you don't binge, purge or starve yourself doesn't mean that you are completely fine. Doesn't mean that I am completely fine.

I have my issues, I know that. And I know that right now while writing this, the thing that I should be concerned about is the fact that I am getting really controlling and obsessive about eating again, and not the amount of sugar in the coconut latte that I had earlier today.

However, as awful as I'm feeling for whatever reasons, I know that once I get that assignment out of the way, it'll get better. Sounds like wistful thinking and self-deception but trust me, I've been through this routine so many times that even though I haven't figured out how to prevent it from happening in the first place, I know how it goes.

/rant over

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