I'm being startlingly active with this blog. For some reason I just happen to be in a ponder-y sort of mood and that, dear readership, is when obscurity and rambling happen.
I often draw attention to my unstable and unpredictable emotional life and how my thoughts may go wild of the tiniest poke.
Today has been plainly nondescript with no surprises, unusualities nor any noticeable action whatsoever. I've not really even talked to anyone, save the two very plain and informative texts I've sent and an obligatory interaction with a couple of shop assistants. As it is, nothing should have thrown me off balance or upset me, yet there's been some turbulence going on inside this head of mine.
Let me demonstrate you some of the chaos with a little piece of a dialogue, the origins of which are not known since there really hasn't been any straight cause to any of it.
The Killjoy: See, you are just a substitution, taken in for pity. Never number one. Not even number two or three, I suppose and if we're being very profound--
Anni: Shut up Killjoy, I really don't need this.
The Killjoy: Oh, but you know it's true, right? You do and you're just trying to convince yourself otherwise. They don't need you, they don't want you. You're all alone.
The Pseudo-Philosopher: What if it is true, though? What if you are always so convinced of over-thinking it that you actually miss the point. What if things that you suspect are real and not just some speculative negativism. What i--
The Reason: Oh, be quiet you two! Let's observe the facts here: nothing drastic has occurred, everything is following the protocol as always. No need to be dramatic.
The Killjoy: How can you tell, Reason? Humans don't really work like that. They ain't logical or anything. How about you changed the protocol?
The Reason: *sighs* I'm getting tired of you Killjoy. You're just trying to crush her and--
The Killjoy: No, I'm not, I'm just showing her what she needs to see. And besides, she trusts me more than you. Are you jealous, Reason? HAHAHA
The Reason: That is exactly the point. She trusts you, thus you seldom fail to upset her.
The Life Coach: I suggest you exercised a bit, Anni. Doing sports releases hormones and has positive effects on your mood, besides--
Others: Not these lectures again, please!
Anni: Just quit it guys. I'm already swallowing tears so Killjoy got what she wanted. I'm going jogging now if you don't mind.
At this point I left for work where new inspiration struck me and now I'm going to switch the topic just like this and not care if anyone disagrees. I'm not going very far, though and we're still remaining inside my mind and among the chats I have with myself.
So, I have this habit of beforehand picturing conversations I'm possibly going to have with my closest people. No one ever follows my script, though, not even myself but that's beside the point now.
Mostly these imagined events include a lot of straightforwardness on my behalf - were it asking uncomfortable questions, expressing negative feelings or speaking up my not-always-so-flattering opinions, I always have the courage to let my cause to be known in these visions. The practice is rather different since I more often than not end up holding back simply because I hate making people feel awkward or unhappy. Just today I had quite a lengthy argument with someone, inside my mind while I was piling letters and postcards into these blue boxes we use at work. I don't know if I'd ever have the guts to say those things face to face that I was mentally yelling and snapping to that person, which is exactly the thing that I find somewhat worrisome. Keeping negative feelings only to myself can't be good in the long run, can it? Besides, if get mad at someone wouldn't it be just fair for them to know about it so that they could possibly try to apologise, or bitch back if I'm being unreasonable?
I realise that this is quite controversial to my claimed impulsiveness but I'll try to explain. When in direct interaction with people I openly express my feelings provoked by current surroundings. Let's say that someone had spoken ill of my best friend. I would probably react with an aggressive defence speech, freezing looks and sharply aimed insults, when someone more controlled could ignore such badmouthing and behave. Another example: I'm in a bad and short-tempered mood for any reason and someone cancels a meeting. The result: not only do I snap at the person who dared to change plans but also anyone who happens to wander across my path at that moment. When I have a clear cause to my unhappiness, I immediately express it whether or not I am justified to do so.
Now, let's study the other side of this metaphorical coin of negative feelings.
I also get irritated by people who haven't done anything I could accuse them of. This is, once again the obscure philosophising part of my brain making unrationalised conclusions based on flimsy half-truths and assumptions.
By the way, when I say 'people' in this context, I merely mean to obliterate the actual individuals I'm referring to, for I know that all but one of them sometimes stop by and read this blog. Perhaps they can recognise themselves from some of this babble but at least they won't identify one another, nor can anyone else. And yes, there is an actual number of people whom this matter concerns in one way or another. No matter how fiery and emotional I am, I'm not constantly angry with all of my friends or relatives; only the closest ones posses this privilege and honour to be capable of infuriating me.
Oh, how I make myself sound such an impossible person, but honestly I'm merely pointing out the facts: if you want me you'll have to take it all.
Okay, back to where I was. In all simplicity this other part of the how-to-make-Anni-angry is ignoring me. I absolutely loathe, loathe, loathe being left without attention, by which I don't mean expecting to be treated like a princess or the world's most important person, but merely some commonplace considerateness like replying to my messages were they important or not, and other suchlike activities (and mind you, right now I'm not targeting this to anyone in particular so breathe freely, will ya). Of course even I won't be set off by one or two times you have disregarded me but the time flies and at some point all that annoyance and disappointment will have stored somewhere deep within to burst into flames without much effort. Now, the expression 'burst into flames' isn't the most accurate for we are talking about the kind of emotional arousal that I seldom show outwards and which is the main catalyst for those imagined talks I sometimes occupy my mind with.
Being mad at someone for something they have not done is at least for me much more complicated a matter than being mad because of something someone has done because when there's a concrete 'something' you can pinpoint, it's easier to argue and ask for an apology for instance. If someone's just ignoring you there's no certainty that they're even doing it consciously, not to mention intentionally. And what would be more petty and bickering than acting deeply offended and demanding explanations when the other doesn't have an effing clue of what you're blaming them on? I assume this to be the reason why I practically never let my hidden irritations come to light. When the target of my anger isn't at a speaking distance I have time to consider which mostly leads to a conclusion that calling them or sending a message wouldn't do any good and I'd better just drop the matter because I'm a petty little idiot. Still I fail to make up my mind whether this course of action is desirable or not, for I generally believe that spitting it out is the best way to deal with relationship-related stuff. I wish I had more courage to follow this ideal because not once has anything horrible ensued when I have opened my mouth in order to ask something that's been bothering me or telling about my feelings; on the contrary - I've always felt sort of lighter and satisfied.
Anyhow, even if I trust that people won't run away when I'm openly curious or show them my true feelings, I still remain on my toes as a result of trying keep from offending their personal space. I'm aware of my tendency to be rather possessive and demanding (qualities, which I try with utmost effort to tone down) which is why I'm a little worried about being too pushy at times. This might be just slightly overcautious since presumably people I love and care about the most wouldn't shatter into pieces even if I'd just let myself be as rudely open as I could be. The thing here is though, that sometimes being afraid of my own emotions, I automatically expect everyone else to be too.
It's so late I doubt that the last part of this blogpost makes any sense at all but try to interpret it with your best effort. I shall retire to bed and hopefully not have any mental arguments for some time.